Grief

Grieving is an innate coping process. Attempting to suppress, ignore, or circumvent it exacts a high price. We grieve not just for death, but any major loss, including loss of possibilities. It is common for the parents to grieve when their expectation of their child's possibilities gets radically altered.

When my oldest son was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy in 1988, I went through a year long grieving period with a lot of time spent in denial (hoping somehow that the diagnosis was wrong). Also, I couldn't talk about it with anyone but my wife. It was just too raw and tender. When acceptance came, it came rapidly, though, and it was such a relief to be able to talk about it with others. It helped me cope, and so many cared and wanted to be there for us.

Progressive and long term conditions offer multiple grieving points. For Duchenne, in addition to diagnosis, grief can be triggered at the loss of the ability to walk, loss of the ability to eat independently, the need for respiratory support, and other major transitions. This applies not only for the family, but for the sufferer.

Yesterday, a family friend died. Simultaneously, I felt grief for our friend's death, but also anticipatory grief for my son. We don't know how long my son will live, so the anticipation was for an event hopefully far off, but nevertheless it was real.

I thought of my Saviour, a "Man acquainted with grief", and I knew that grief, like so many things, is not just inevitable, but necessary. It comes because we love and care for others. It is part of healing.