Who is Jeff?

Before delving into my embarrassingly public self-examination:

I ran two miles on Friday and again today. Saturday was yard day, which I count as a workout ever since I wore my heart monitor while mowing: 75% of max! Confession: Thursday, no workout. Cross-trained on the other days.

The theme for today is 'Who is Jeff?':

I am not my inner child. I have actually said that if I didn't have all these responsibilities, I would be lazy and do nothing at all. Yes, my inner child wants to do nothing except eat, sleep, and play. Duh! But that's not really me.

What have I done that is indicative of the "real" Jeff. Things done because I wanted to. Things not driven by the what others wanted, or by my inner child pitching a tantrum:

• Serving a mission
• Becoming an engineer
• Being a family man
• Losing over 100 lbs
• Cycling a century
• Running a marathon
• Keeping this blog

Except for losing 100 lbs, all of these happened purely because I wanted to. Losing the weight required a kickstart by a Dr., but I still believe that it's something I wanted to do. Since I have gained part of it back, I have to decide if living a healthy lifestyle is something I really want to do.

Ooh. Gotta think about this.

Still, Still Running

I have been running twice a week for a while now, and my foot doesn't hurt worse. This makes me happy. Even if I can only run 5Ks, my need for more bib numbers and race shirts will be satisfied.

The word of the week is 'permission'. The aha moment was realizing that I look outside myself for permission or validation before doing anything that might be confrontational or unpleasant or even just difficult. So, now I officially give myself permission to:

• Say no
• Speak up
  
• Ask for help
• Reward myself with other things besides food

Looking outside myself for validation before saying no or speaking up, for example, has caused me a lot of anxiety. Eating has been a way to deal with that anxiety.

This is definitely a work in progress, but it feels good to be making some progress.