Es gibt einen Idioten

Train drags half-naked mooner along tracks

My Dirty Little Secret

To avoid full mental meltdown while shopping, I play a game called "Fashion Disaster". Here are the rules:

• All people I see are divided into three categories: Exempt, Good Fashion, Fashion Disaster
  
  
• Exempt: Look like they are not trying to "make a statement". In its simplest form this consists of jeans, t-shirt, and healthy skin and hair and the appearance of spending no more than 5 minutes getting ready to go out. This is the highest, best, most exalted category. How long it actually took to achieve this look is anyone's guess.
  
  
• Good Fashion: Looks like they spent some time on their looks, but it works. Their hair style works with their facial shape. Their hair color is natural, if not original. Their clothing and shoes work with their body shape. They aren't a walking cliche.
  
  
• Fashion Disaster: Everyone else. Though the possibilities are effectively infinite, examples may be educational:
  
  The only look more pitiful than this year's cliche is last year's: Exposed bra straps. Distressed jeans. The homie look. Etc.
  
  Really tight low-waisted jeans worn with flat shoes make the wearer's legs look about 16 inches long.
  
  Wide hips and skinny legs are not well served by tight pants and stiletto heels. "Does this make my butt look big?" Yes.
  
  Muffin tops = bad.
  
  Thongs should not be worn under sweat pants. Ever.

Sorry to expose my dark side.

Public Service Announcement

Drivers beware: It's deer-mating season

Call Me Clyde

Runners of Unusual Size (ROUS's) are called Clydesdales or Athenas, depending on gender.

Here's the world according to Clyde:

• Shoe companies assume all large runners hulk around on flat feet and need beefy motion control shoes. I have high arches and so require a neutral cushioning shoe. I have only found one neutral cushioning shoe (the NB 1062, discontinued of course) that has heel cushioning that can take the tonnage. If you are a high arched Clyde, please share what works for you.
• Most Clydesdales are mesomorphs. Big shoulders tapering to narrow(er) hips. Then there's me. Years ago I earned the family nickname "The Cylinder of Flesh". One size from shoulders to waist to hips. It was true when I weighed 300 pounds, and equally true when I weighed 200 pounds. I lift weights, but my shoulders, though stronger, remain narrow, sloping, and bony. However, to misquote a running cliche: "You don't run on your shoulders."
• Most entry fees include a shirt commemorating the race. Apparently XL for race shirts means anything from Medium to Large, but not including Extra Large. Always order a size up!
• Someone who shall remain nameless packed the clothes for my very first race back in 2007, accidentally including a child's XL shirt. Form fitting clothes on a big guy look even better drenched in sweat. Always pack your own gear!

Sorry if I spoiled your appetites with that last mental image,

Clyde, aka JeffTheTwoThirds, aka Me

PeeveDay

It's Jeff's personal PeeveDay, so here's my top 6 running raceday peeves:

6. Getting lost on the way to the race (ok, usually my fault)

5. Races starting late

4. Traffic jams during the race

3. Getting lost during the race (not my fault!)

2. Not enough bathrooms

1. Walkers who start in front of runners

Actually, only the last two are very common. Maybe if I were more patient.

Recollections

Between the wild turkeys and the red-tailed hawk my hat started to drip.

Each Saturday morning during the Summer and early Autumn of 2007 I made my "long run" in preparation for a marathon. In July I ran around the neighborhood. Six or eight miles. But, by August, it had grown to 10 miles.

Ten miles was enough to run to Coyote Creek Trail, run some of the trail, and run back home. Three miles to the trail, two miles to the wild turkeys' favorite lounging spot. Turn around and run back: ten miles.

Each week I ran a little further along the trail.

To run 12 miles: Pass the turkeys. Pass the park where the wild pigs dug up the grass. Pass the water ski slalom course, with skiers stretched out flat to the left, then flat to the right. Run a few hundred feet more and see the pelicans! For a few weeks a flock of large white pelicans visited the fishing pond next to the course. What majestic birds! Around this point my running hat starts to drip from the end of the bill. One drop every three or four footfalls. I ran past the pelicans and through a more heavily wooded section and turned around at Coyote Ranch. Each time I would take note of the warning sign about rattlesnakes and mountain lions.

In September and October the runs got long: 14, 16, 18, 20 miles. I just kept going further along the trail. There was so much to see.

Past Coyote Ranch I had to cross the creek in two places and usually got wet feet. Then past the old quarries, now wildfowl refuges. Ducks. Geese. Herons. Along this section a bobcat gave me a dirty look. The golf course was the midpoint of my 14 mile run.

To add a couple more miles I would go past the golf course, past the radio controlled airplane club, gawking as I ran, to the 101 undercrossing.

For those few 18 and 20 mile runs, I would continue under 101. The trail enters grassland with occasional clumps of sycamore and eucalyptus, and passes by more bird sanctuaries. Cross a wooden footbridge and there is that stretch of trail owned by the red-tailed hawk. This marked my farthest point. I remember the hawk effortlessly passing over the trail about 12 feet up as I labored to my invisible halfway mark, turned around, and began the long run back.

Summer Reading

I love to read, but don't always get much time. This summer I am treating myself to mostly Newbery Winners and Newbery Honor books. Here's what I have read so far:

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows*

Princess Academy by Shannon Hale*

Silent To The Bone by E.L. Konigsburg

Incident at Hawk's Hill by Allan W. Eckert

Holes by Louis Sachar*

It's Like This, Cat by Emily Cheney Neville

Skellig by David Almond*

Kit's Wilderness by David Almond

Interworld by Neil Gaiman and Michael Reaves

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

Afternoon of the Elves by Janet Taylor Lisle

The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

* - favorites

Ding-dong ditch?

Cops bust man for ringing doorbells naked in San Mateo County

Grueling morning, but ...

Brennen had an appointment at Lucille Packard with his pulmonologist this morning. It was a grueling morning, because Brennen got really nauseated on the way to Stanford, then we had to wait forever for his bloodwork. However ...

His blood gas results look great! And he says, aside from the nausea which passed, that he feels good again. And the bridge of his nose has healed, so he is having almost no mask problems at night.

My frustration has been that he has been up and down since last September, but he is on the upswing again.

Can't wait 'till she gets her drivers license ...

Texting Teen Unaware As She Falls into Sewer

And it's not October ...

Drunk badger disrupts traffic in Germany

Brennen Update

Today was Brennen's semi-annual MDA Clinic visit at Lucille Packard. Naturally, one of the topics was whether he should transition to the adult clinic, since he's going to be 24. The decision was no, because even though his cardiologist and his ENT are on the adult side, his pulmonologist is still on the pediatric side.

The MDA Clinic is a gateway to other services as they are needed. For example, the Clinic first pulled in the pulmonologist when Brennen showed symptoms of sleep apnea. The Clinic also helped us get the genetic testing done to show that our daughter Shannon is not a carrier of DMD.

So, aside from Brennen getting older, the other topics we brought up today were:

• Might prednisone help Brennen? (While useful earlier in DMD's progression, the side effects aren't worth it during later stages of DMD)
• How can we find out about home nursing care should it be needed in the future? (The MDA rep gave us a contact)
• Are Brennen's "out of it" feelings consistent with a sinus infection, since that is how it is being treated? (Yes)
  
• Who should we talk to about Brennen's ventilator alarm problems? (Start with the respiratory therapist)

Ten out of the last 12 nights have been hellish because of ventilator alarms. Neither Brennen, nor Tracy and I, are sleeping well due to the eight to ten alarms a night, so this was really the most important topic. I followed up with both the repiratory therapist and the pulmonologist about this after the Clinic, and we discussed CPAP masks and a new one will be delivered soon.

The best news today was that Brennen's gained another 1.5 pounds and his blood gasses looked great. About as good as they have looked for years. So something's working.

Race Report

Last Saturday I ran the Henry Coe Hunting Hollow 5K, an out and back trail run. The field was limited to 200, but the very enthusiastic Red Power Divas made it seem like more.

The trail is relatively flat, but crossed by numerous stream beds. Luckily only two had water in them. But that's four wet crossings. My formerly white shoes required a good scrubbing afterward.

The event was well run; the scenery beautiful. The high point for me was seeing a doe and spotted fawn as I was warming up.

25th Anniversary

Tracy and I escaped for a couple of days for our silver wedding anniversary. Much thanks to Tracy's parents and Dallin for making it possible.

Pictures are at http://picasaweb.google.com/JeffTheTwoThirds/AnniversaryTrip.

Healthy again!

I just had to take a week off of exercising because of a sinus and ear infection. My muscles were cramping and my foot hurt, so I was sooooo glad to run 1.5 miles and do some lifting this afternoon.

The down time came as family was in town to celebrate Brennen's graduation. All the grandparents insisted that I get enough rest, so I did. [Thanks, to all of you!]

My June race will be the Hunting Hollow 5k/10k on the 13th.

Peace Talks

Ironically, the result of my internal peace talks has been discovering that I want two things most of all:

• Some time for peace and quiet
• Feeling in control of my commitments

For the first, I really like to have daily reading time Maybe 1/2 an hour. And I enjoy my monthly race, because I am not interruptable.

For the second, I learned that the only one who knows my schedule is me, so I have to decide what I can do. I did that, and it works. Weird.

My own tyrant

Isn't my wife

Or my boss.

My tyrant's face

Looks like mine.

In life's tug-of-war, I often permitted myself to be the rope. It just dawned on me (duh!) that a strategic end to my internal tug of war, now that I have a better handle on not becoming the rope in external ones, is my primary mission.

The peace talks have started.

I think I'll do that ...

See http://img2.pict.com/01/18/06/f2cc3c3e9c355a5631783c9669/SOqD0/2zcg.gif

Now imagine me doing that.

Now stop rolling on the floor laughing.

Slack-Man

Did you know that I can't please everyone? Or do everything? Go figure.

My counselor's been saying "You have to be happy with who you are."

I thought it meant that I shouldn't want to be better, but what it really means is that I have to understand and accept my current limits.

Looking back, I see a pattern of expecting myself to always act and feel as if I was much more perfect than I was. To accept tasks based on what I should be able to do rather than what I could do. To fear ruffling feathers because I might not handle it perfectly.

So, I have cut myself a huge piece of slack. Meet the flawed Jeff.

Ahh, Oregon

Oregon's naked frisbee team just needs some freedom

The two Jeffs

If you have read this blog for long you know that I lost a lot of weight, but have struggled to keep it off. After losing over 100 pounds, I started sabotaging my efforts and packed some of the weight back on. My cardiologist suggested that I get counseling to figure out why.

So I did. And it's been a series of "aha" moments that seem so obvious in hindsight. Here's the latest:

Since I sabotage my own efforts I must have internal conflict about the goal. I visualize that internal conflict as between "Skinny Jeff" and "Baby Jeff". Skinny Jeff keeps making plans and goals and lists that work for two or three days before Baby Jeff rebels.

So my task is to make peace between these two.

I have no internal conflict about exercising or racing. Skinny and Baby love these. It's the "take aways" that Baby Jeff doesn't like. My counselor says that I have so little "Jeff time" that this isn't surprising at all.

I made deal with myself that I would place some modest limits on eating high calorie foods, in exchange for some "Jeff time". It's a start.

Race Report: The Running Of The Bulls 5K

I ran The Running Of The Bulls 5K on Saturday. My goal was to keep a 10 minute/mile pace, and my official time was 30:32.

It was a very fun, low-key run. The added "motivation" in this race was to stay ahead of runners dressed as bulls and cows. I didn't get passed, though I couldn't catch the two costumed young ladies that started right ahead of me.

Tracy was happy that I wore the new green, white, and black running outfit that she got me for Christmas, but sad that I had to wear my white long-sleeve shirt too. It was a classic spring Silicon Valley race: you freeze until you get to the starting line; suddenly the temperature jumps 10 degrees; it's pleasant during the race; the temperature drops 10 degrees as soon as you cross the finish line and you freeze again. At least it feels that way. Layering is your friend.

After the race I took my boys to Chinatown in SF; Brennen had a class project. After I dropped the boys off and parked, I had to walk uphill to get back to the restaurant where they were filming (and eating). My right glutes and hamstring had stopped working sometime during the drive. I hobbled up the hill and slowly loosened up.

The best news: my foot didn't hurt! I plan to run a 5K a month now.

Nerds Are Easily Entertained

While on vacation last week I stayed at Tracy's aunt's house. I didn't bring shaving cream, so I borrowed her grandson Adam's. Adam is stationed in Fallujah and hadn't used the shaving cream for a while. As I tried to squirt some in my hand, it (the shaving cream) shot all the way across the bathroom and nailed the wall.

Naturally, I had to calculate the muzzle velocity of the shaving cream.

Before cleaning up, I took some rough measurements: 5 feet of horizontal travel; 2 inches of vertical drop.

Later, while driving, I did some rough calculations:

distance = half of the acceleration of gravity times the time squared
5 ft = 1/2 X 32 ft/sec/sec X t squared
t = the square root of 5/16ths = approximately half a second

The muzzle velocity: 5 ft/0.5 seconds, or 10 feet/second. That's 10 ft/second X 3600 seconds/hour / 5280 feet/mile, or approximately 7 miles per hour.

Doesn't sound very dangerous after all. Bummer.

It was only a matter of time ...

Pop star dressed as pineapple robbed

Don't be like Jeff

Last week I had a wonderful time visiting my daughter and son-in-law in Utah. I didn't exercise once. This Monday I headed for the gym, all raring to go. You can guess the rest.

Not only did I regress in my conditioning a bit, but by the end of Monday you coulda mopped the floor with me.

I promptly signed up for the Running of the Bulls 5k on 4/11 to force a little diligence.

I know I should be working but ...

I feel compelled to spread the word:

Investigation Shows How Flammable Adult Diapers Are

Dashed Hopes

Barry Manilow To Be Used Against Mall Rats

I was disappointed to learn that only his recordings were going going to be used.

Rude Computer

The fingerprint reader on my laptop is a convenient and time saving way to log in, but it is rude. Its favorite catty message is "joint detected". Why would it think that?

Risky

Today Dallin, Aerin, and Brennen invited me to join them in a game of Risk. It was rather silly. As Brennen regained control of North America for the second time:

Dallin: "Brennen has his continent back!"
Brennen: "My continence was never in question!"
Dallin: "Now the question is: Can he hold it?"

Uplifting Story

Woman wields wedgie to subdue suspect

My New (Used) Car Story

On the pain scale, buying a car from a dealer ranks between buying a house and severing a major tendon.

In some ways it was very simple: I went through my credit union's auto buying service (my third car this way), so there was no haggling over price. I came ready to pay cash. Goodness knows, the dealership was desperate to sell cars.

However, once they handed me over to the "finance manager" the total was over $4000 more than I expected. They had added the longest extended warranty they had, plus a couple thousand dollars of anti-theft services and devices. It took over an hour to convince them that I didn't want or need these things for an inexpensive used car.

They kept insisting that they were just trying to protect me and then they would lop $100 off. We went through this over and over again, but the price never got into the range I was prepared to pay. I suspected that the only way they were going to make any money on the deal was to sell me these extras, and I felt like a heel for holding my ground. Not.

To make a long story shorter, I convinced them, finally, that I wasn't going to budge, they drew up the forms, I spent a half hour signing and initialing, and I got my car.

And I really love my new (used) car.

A Twisted Sense Of Humor

As my Mother would say, these tickled me pink:

First, my brother Jason sent me the link to An Engineer's Guide To Cats. I won't spoil it.

Next, and oddly disturbing, is the best/worst/only collection of My Little Pony mods I have ever seen. What's disturbing is that I really, really liked these, especially the Chewbacca mod.

Well, there you have another peek into my twisted mind.

Little Hotties

Last week Tracy questioned a charge on our debit card for "Little Hotties". Luckily, said item arrived that day: 3 boxes of Little Hotties Hand Warmers for Brennen.

New Shoes and More

I ran 5 miles this week: three short runs. My foot feels pretty good. I am slooowwwwwly increasing the miles.

Amazingly, I am running on NB 1062s - neutral cushioning! They are the only neutral cushioning shoes I could find with enough in the heel that I don't bottom them out. They also have an insanely high and wide toe box, to accommodate my insanely high and wide toes.

Insane levels of stress the last couple of weeks have cranked up my anxiety level. I am catching myself eating for comfort. On the other hand, I am also catching myself speaking out more. I actually asked a person to move their car to the forward pump at Costo. Never would I have done that before. It's a little thing, but not really a little thing for me.

Combining Blogs

Going forward, I am combining The Bard Connotes into this blog. So, for continuity, here is the last entry from The Bard:

Clinically Depressed Poodle Mauls Former French President Chirac

If this resonates with your very soul, then we are one.